What Every Recovered 13 Year Old Girl Wants to Learn

Dear That Girl Abbey Readers,

Today I learned something that made me feel so good. Maybe it was redemption...maybe it was historical wounds healed. I'm not sure, but it was good.

At one point I was 13 year old That Girl Abbey. I wore braces. I wore Doc Martens. I wore pastel turtlenecks.

I played the saxophone and my backpack probably smelled like a bologna sandwich. And I followed around a boy. I liked him very much. And he never, ever, under any circumstance, made me believe for one moment he saw any of the beauty in me I saw in him.

Once he hugged me in gym class when I made the winning goal in our soccer game. Very exciting. I wrote all about it that night in my diary. Oh yeah, big day.

My best guy friend of the time used to torment me. "Why do you like him? What's so great about him? He doesn't even know you're alive! He didn't even read the book you gave him! And his hair is too long!" (Looking back, this best guy friend was most certainly my "Ducky.") Anyway, Ducky or not, he was totally bogus because my crushes' hair was definitely not too long. It was perfect. Just like him.

So, a day came (post-braces) when I met my crush at the Y to play basketball. (I met him--he, of course, did not expect me to show up.) I beat him at horse and then we went to the local coney island for pitas and milkshakes. I quickly learned that not only hadn't he read the book I gave him, but he had never read any book. He was kinda stupid. Beautiful and stupid.

Because you haven't a clue what the hell you're doing when you're 13, I was stupid, too. I told him that he should come over sometime to hang out (despite his potential illiteracy.)

Most surprisingly, he did come over. He said he didn't want to shoot hoops because he hated losing to girls. (Wow, real winner, I know.) So, we went inside and made grilled cheeses. I flirted my little ass off trying to get his attention. Just then, once I was really getting desperate and thinking of lowering the 'v' in my tank, my older brother came into the kitchen and started talking to my crush.

Before the cheese could even melt, the bastard was downstairs playing video games with my brother. I logged on to AOL and i.m.ed my best girlfriend, who was naturally standing post online, anxiously awaiting the scoop. While I chomped on the two grilled cheeses and typed furiously, I heard my crush laugh more downstairs than he ever had with me. Fantastic.

So, needlesstosay, this beautiful boy absolutely never gave me the attention for which I ached. Nothing ever worked and I would have to accept the fact that I would never know how it was to kiss those perfect lips.

Within 14 months I was headed to a different high school (unbeknownst to me, filled with even more beautiful and even more idiotic boys,) and I never thought about the 7th grade crush until today...when I read that he's gay.

Maybe 13 year old That Girl Abbey wasn't so bad. Maybe I had moves. Maybe he wasn't out of my league. Maybe he was just in another league. Fantastic!